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Jun. 19th, 2006 @ 10:34 am
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hello lj... haven't seen you in a while... I'm confused about all these weddings... lol.. I myself am due to tie the knot and yet... I look around and think wow, we're just kids... big kids... do we really make good enough decisions at this time in life to make such a big one? god, we're like idiots... how can we take the leap? but I'll look at him and the smile returns and I guess I know it will be alright for me... I hope it's all right for you hun... I do miss you and wish you well in your new adventures...Current Mood:  cheerful Current Music: the used |
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May. 13th, 2006 @ 01:07 am
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so I'm all about this week.. please anyone who cares say a prayer I get this condo... it's beautiful!!!! I got a new job still at home depot... awesome... chris and I are talking again and it's good... real good... I'm just happy... |
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Apr. 21st, 2006 @ 10:21 am
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alive... I'm happier... not happy... happ-ier.
I'm thinking too much in my head about these happ-ier and happy differences.
Do I want this really? There's a little voice in my head and it's screaming at me.
I don't know if to believe it or not...Current Mood:  contemplative |
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Apr. 3rd, 2006 @ 11:12 pm
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i am still here . im alive. weird things happening.Current Mood: contemplative |
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I have a panic attack waiting in my head... body .. anxiety... I feel trapped. I don't let it in and what goes in doesn't come out. Hurt? not really... numb more like it... I can't stop obsessing about moving... I want a home I want control.. somewhere to feel stable. I have a fleeting comfort... he's ignorant to it's help. I'm behind. I skip again. I'm panic in human form. I'm devistated--not for any reason. I'm seperated. I'm on edge. I hate that I can't let go of the unnerving feeling. I get mad take it out on baby... I get hurt .. take it out on baby... or anyone in my path... I'm angry and unbalanced... I home routine helps. lol... do you see that..??? "home" instead of "hope"... it's even subconcious... lol.. I want a home--maybe I'll be back when I find one.Current Mood:  anxious Current Music: sopranos theme song |
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i hate where i am.
Jan. 5th, 2006 @ 01:36 pm
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| You scored as Dance. You should be a Dance major! Like a lithe ballerina, you dance because you believe there is beauty in expressing the physical form.
Dance | | 100% | Psychology | | 100% | Art | | 92% | English | | 83% | Philosophy | | 83% | Theater | | 83% | Journalism | | 83% | Sociology | | 83% | Anthropology | | 75% | Engineering | | 58% | Mathematics | | 50% | Linguistics | | 42% | Chemistry | | 0% | Biology | | 0% | </td>
What is your Perfect Major?
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Dec. 29th, 2005 @ 02:30 pm
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merry christmas!
Dec. 24th, 2005 @ 11:28 am
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Happy birthday puppy.. ilove you and mark I'm so sorry... about not calling again last ngiht.. I want to wish you a happy birthday one more time... I hope you both have a good day..
Dec. 16th, 2005 @ 02:04 pm
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The last couple weeks.. exhausting... I'm half up to where I need to be and half in the hole I'm still digging. tired. I have new things in life I need to share and some I can't and won't... I think I'm going to have to make some major changes... again. Think about what I do not feel about what I do I'm so impulsive. lol. Unhappy for all the wrong reasons... I screwed my meds up and all I can think is.. "is that why I feel like this" the answer probably a "err...yes." I am undoubtedly the most insecure person I know--quite frankly I can't find a more irritating way to test just how little I can become. Please can you put this much stress and this much lack of self-attentiveness (for lack of a better term) in a situation where I'm supposed to make a good decision? My head whirls around my body hoping to delve into something that might resemble sense. I'm confused wsn't this about me? Wasn't it about what I wanted? erg.
Dec. 10th, 2005 @ 10:37 pm
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too much to do in one day as it is and what happens? I have to be oh so kindly reminded I'm female. Agony.
Hate of half the worlds population brings me to lie down on the couch cluching my guts begging for another close-up of Orlando Bloom running across my tv set.
oh, did I mention my cats want to hump my coat?
Nov. 29th, 2005 @ 03:55 pm
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make it hurt a little deeper a little longer...
I try everyday to make the best of things... I try to remember the good and everyday it gets a little harder the more you write, to not feel like you do this with intention everytime...
Nov. 21st, 2005 @ 11:44 pm
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I loved today.. relax is the name of the game... I missed her... I missed her goofy little giggle and those glasses ... rinestones and all... I wish it were a little lighter and I was a little more in the mood to make her smile glimmer.. we ate I saw her age before my eyes telling me her profound experience at the age of 15... So proud I was of the adopted little sister I had.. has so much more figured out than I... I smiled .. she laughed we left charmont arm in arm.... lol... good to be home.
Nov. 21st, 2005 @ 10:31 pm
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lol.. I can't believe I danced... I felt like such an idiot.... but it made me smile thanks es... I have a meeting so early tommorow and I can't believe I 'm still awake! I guess I'll be sleeping through my breakfast... lol... I'm all about naps tommorow... Mark, I miss you I'm so sorry for everytihng... I'll call you and tell you about it later...
Nov. 20th, 2005 @ 03:04 am
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I think I've learned a lot about being a friend and a lot about having them in the past month... I thought I had a best friend.... but this isn't about what I thought I had this is about what I will have someday. I will have someone I can trust to be my best friend.
A best friend is the one you can be your insane self with... cry on.. yell at ..celebrate with and they'll love you. That's the key.. love.. the kind where you don't think about yourself you do everything for them and know you'll be taken care of because you know they do everything for you. Someone who even in their darkest hour can put themself aside to hold you if you would need it and the same in return. Being a best friend comes with the responsibility of being there.. being honest and open even when you don't want to.. because that's how it works.. it's a selfless act to be that devoted and that active in someone's life... it comes with lots of "I'm sorry" and lots of " I love you" even if not spoken in words.. in fact most of the time it's not said in words... it's done every moment in everyday... it's shown in every action... you never have to be afraid to say or do anytihng because there is no game there is no rule other than you have to care so much it has to hurt not to. It's taking someone else's pain like it was your own and helping every inch of the way... it's an unconditional love that can't be broken by time or space... only by selfishness and lack of understanding.
I count myself lucky to have some people in my life uphold my belief in friendships like this.
Nov. 19th, 2005 @ 02:18 am
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The best potter movie yet! I loved it.. book was better thoguh.. I didn't like the fact they cut so much out... but none the less great review! thank you for suffering through it with me you guys! lol... I think I created at least one more potter fan today.. maybe 2 .. we'll see...
Nov. 19th, 2005 @ 02:09 am
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I am here by caught up in BIZ COM!!! lol.. didn't think that would happen. I'm all about Harry potter tonight! Geeks unite! lol... i gotta get back to work.
Nov. 18th, 2005 @ 05:41 pm
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One month today.
How is it I felt so broken only days ago and now I'm so sure I'll be alright? I have said so many little prayers...
I heard a song today on the radio.. bad country I'd never heard before I was so happy to hear it though... " it's getting better all the time"...
bittersweet.
I need to laugh... a lot. I have been thanks in part to new Brian and Es... and I can definately give some credit to lots of people at work... lol... but I still... I need to get my independance back ... my life back and I see it coming from around the bend.. I hear it faintly in my ear.... I can't wait.. I just can't wait to see what life has in store for me...
Nov. 17th, 2005 @ 11:58 am
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You couldn't even tell me when it wouldn't matter anymore. I can't understand what I did to you to make you do this to me. I cry and Cry with no end ... you don't care why do I? Why do i still love you ? why can I wish and wish you'd get out of my life and then want nothing more than to have you in it? I hate you for ever loving me. I'll hate you till the day you realize exactly what you lost... I'll hate you past then for hurting me so bad I can't take you back anyway... and then I'll hate you because I know deep down I'll love you even then..
Nov. 13th, 2005 @ 07:41 pm
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I hope this is real :) ... I hope...
Nov. 12th, 2005 @ 02:17 am
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